The heated-up contents of a tin of Tesco chicken tikka masala never tasted as good as it did this evening in the back of Rusty, my micro camper, especially washed down with a can of Tesco spiced rum and cola. Ah, the life of a camper who doesn’t know what the heck she’s doing!
For some reason that I can’t fathom right now as I prepare for a night in the back of the van with two rather puzzled-looking dachshunds, I thought it’d be a good time of year to try out my PortaShack tailgate awning, so as I was coming up to visit Mum after Christmas anyway, I decided to check into the Oxford camping and caravanning site for two nights and do just that – sling up the awning and have plenty of room for me and the dogs for two nights of semi-roughing it.
It’s not that I haven’t got all the necessary equipment – I have an electric hook-up cable for heat and power for the laptop, three alcohol-fuelled rings to cook on, a roof box to stuff extraneous gear into, a nice warm sleeping bag and blankets, a bright lantern – the lot really. What’s sadly lacking is the ability to use it all efficiently.
I had failed to appreciate the strength of the dregs of Storm Eva, and putting up the awning was like trying to attach a vast billowing parachute to the back of the vehicle with no idea which end was which. I soon stuffed the blasted thing back into the roofbox, and set about plugging the electric cable into the socket, which was right at the very furthest distance my cable would reach. I had already discovered that the rear window of a Kangoo doesn’t open wide enough to fit the plug through, so it had to be the driver’s window cracked open a bit. Yet the kettle stubbornly refused to turn on when I plugged it in. I eventually realised the socket I’d used was an old non-functioning one, and the new ones were just too far for the cable to reach without me having to reverse the car back a bit and in the process yank the filled kettle off the driver’s seat and onto the ground, spilling the contents all over the seat…
By now I was decidedly not happy and about to give up, but gave the electrics one more go and this time they worked, so I was finally able to make a cup of tea, EXCEPT I discovered that the little portable fridge that plugs into the cigarette socket also keeps things warm if you switch the switch at the back the other way – which I had mistakenly done when I left Hove, so that the pack of butter I’d put in it was now swilling around in liquid form and the raw dog food was virtually cooked… :-(
Having slung out the heated-up contents of the ‘fridge’, I found another carton of longlife milk that hadn’t been semi-cooked and finally had my cuppa in the back of Rusty, sitting at the table… but with the tailgate wide open and a gale blowing in. Ah well, you can’t have everything if you’re going to be a rugged outdoorsy type… In the end I had to shut the tailgate from the outside and clamber in through the cluttered side door, but once I’d sat down I could begin to feel a bit more relaxed.
Except that the dogs were beginning to whine for their tea, so I had to clamber out again and get their meal ready without the spoon that I realised I’d thrown away along with the heated-up contents of the ‘fridge’. I found an old rawhide chew to use as a spoon instead – needs must!
I then walked the girls so they could do their after-dinner business, which they did, and of course I managed to get dog poo on my hands as I picked it up clumsily. Just as well the wash block’s right next to where we’re pitched…
Then I put the batteries in the lantern so that we’d have light when it got dark – which it was about to by now, after all my faffing about – and tried not to think about the vast sum I’d had to pay for 4 D-cell batteries at Go Outdoors, which is conveniently located right next to the campsite, but which didn’t have any left of the cheap Agfa batteries, so that I had to virtually take out a mortgage for the Duracells, having discovered that my membership of Go Outdoors (which entitles you to discounts on everything) ran out 9 days ago, so that I'd have to pay £5 to renew it to get the discount on the batteries…
Two hours on, however, and I’m feeling quite settled, with WiFi and power, a nice cosy van and two sleeping dogs – there’s a can of Tesco G&T waiting for me, so life suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. Not brilliant, but not SO bad. If ever I thought I might be Calamity Jane reborn, however, I’ve realised today that I’m no outdoors woman – though the ‘Calamity’ part of her name definitely fits!
For some reason that I can’t fathom right now as I prepare for a night in the back of the van with two rather puzzled-looking dachshunds, I thought it’d be a good time of year to try out my PortaShack tailgate awning, so as I was coming up to visit Mum after Christmas anyway, I decided to check into the Oxford camping and caravanning site for two nights and do just that – sling up the awning and have plenty of room for me and the dogs for two nights of semi-roughing it.
It’s not that I haven’t got all the necessary equipment – I have an electric hook-up cable for heat and power for the laptop, three alcohol-fuelled rings to cook on, a roof box to stuff extraneous gear into, a nice warm sleeping bag and blankets, a bright lantern – the lot really. What’s sadly lacking is the ability to use it all efficiently.
I had failed to appreciate the strength of the dregs of Storm Eva, and putting up the awning was like trying to attach a vast billowing parachute to the back of the vehicle with no idea which end was which. I soon stuffed the blasted thing back into the roofbox, and set about plugging the electric cable into the socket, which was right at the very furthest distance my cable would reach. I had already discovered that the rear window of a Kangoo doesn’t open wide enough to fit the plug through, so it had to be the driver’s window cracked open a bit. Yet the kettle stubbornly refused to turn on when I plugged it in. I eventually realised the socket I’d used was an old non-functioning one, and the new ones were just too far for the cable to reach without me having to reverse the car back a bit and in the process yank the filled kettle off the driver’s seat and onto the ground, spilling the contents all over the seat…
By now I was decidedly not happy and about to give up, but gave the electrics one more go and this time they worked, so I was finally able to make a cup of tea, EXCEPT I discovered that the little portable fridge that plugs into the cigarette socket also keeps things warm if you switch the switch at the back the other way – which I had mistakenly done when I left Hove, so that the pack of butter I’d put in it was now swilling around in liquid form and the raw dog food was virtually cooked… :-(
Having slung out the heated-up contents of the ‘fridge’, I found another carton of longlife milk that hadn’t been semi-cooked and finally had my cuppa in the back of Rusty, sitting at the table… but with the tailgate wide open and a gale blowing in. Ah well, you can’t have everything if you’re going to be a rugged outdoorsy type… In the end I had to shut the tailgate from the outside and clamber in through the cluttered side door, but once I’d sat down I could begin to feel a bit more relaxed.
Except that the dogs were beginning to whine for their tea, so I had to clamber out again and get their meal ready without the spoon that I realised I’d thrown away along with the heated-up contents of the ‘fridge’. I found an old rawhide chew to use as a spoon instead – needs must!
I then walked the girls so they could do their after-dinner business, which they did, and of course I managed to get dog poo on my hands as I picked it up clumsily. Just as well the wash block’s right next to where we’re pitched…
Then I put the batteries in the lantern so that we’d have light when it got dark – which it was about to by now, after all my faffing about – and tried not to think about the vast sum I’d had to pay for 4 D-cell batteries at Go Outdoors, which is conveniently located right next to the campsite, but which didn’t have any left of the cheap Agfa batteries, so that I had to virtually take out a mortgage for the Duracells, having discovered that my membership of Go Outdoors (which entitles you to discounts on everything) ran out 9 days ago, so that I'd have to pay £5 to renew it to get the discount on the batteries…
Two hours on, however, and I’m feeling quite settled, with WiFi and power, a nice cosy van and two sleeping dogs – there’s a can of Tesco G&T waiting for me, so life suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. Not brilliant, but not SO bad. If ever I thought I might be Calamity Jane reborn, however, I’ve realised today that I’m no outdoors woman – though the ‘Calamity’ part of her name definitely fits!
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